toomanymaps

so let me introduce myself.

my name is sophie, and i am happy and busy and i try my best to be kind and friendly. if i've not been like this to you in the past, i'm sorry - can we just blame livejournal? or the weather? or the alignment of the planets?

*

so i've been very busy recently, and tonight is my first night in, almost entirely by myself, for months. it's strange. up again, fourth day in a row, at 6am for work. it has been nice to not wake up alone, but it is horrible to be an adult and to have to get out of bed. i want the day where i don't have to say goodbye because i can sleep and wake up and share a carefree, no work day.

and everything that he says and does is the opposite to everything i've ever known, and i want to tell him he is weird because i've only ever known bad and mean stuff as being normal. and sometimes i do tell him that but othertimes i just smile

and as much as i don't want sad songs to ever make so much sense again, i'm scared i'll tell him he's weird one day and he won't understand why and realise i'm bad bad bad

but that is only my quietest, darkest voice whispering those things in my head, and mainly i am thinking nothing and feeling quite normal as it is now going to be normal to be happy and looked after. i hope

*

today i also had cups of tea with beth, nicolar and emma, and it was lovely. i want to make it a regular thing!

Current Mood:	relaxed
Current Music:	fleetwood mac

i went to hebden bridge with gavin and we wandered around parks and charity shops, plotting revenge on people who have hurt us (mainly because we've allowed ourselves to be in the position to be hurt) and old ladies laughed at our plans. then we went for a drink and went to see wall-e, which is the most charming and wonderful film and i can't recommend it enough! then we ate pasta and watched 40-year-old virgin and the whole day was just laughter, which makes a nice change, especially from last weekend

it's funny how from one saturday to the next, you can be in a completely different place, both mentally and physically. last saturday i was at moorland, drinking lots, unable to hide how i feel about anything. two saturdays ago i was much the same - drinking lots of 8% cider in a tent in the middle of wales, wearing superhero masks and playing violin with a ukelele and kazoo, falling asleep cold because i was trying not to be alone. three saturdays ago... i can't even remember what i was doing. last saturday i couldn't have even imagined i'd be going out on a random day trip to the countryside only seven days later!

i feel a little anxious but i guess it's just because i know i have to go into work in a minute. but it's partially because of the huge change in the past few saturdays, and how fast life is swirling and speeding past me and showing me an entirely new world every seven days

Current Mood:	anxious
Current Music:	m83 - skin of the night

this week (so far) my life has been a collection of things to keep my mind sailing on until time has passed and i've become a different person. like playing things that need lots of thinking on my violin, offering bags and receipts over and over for hours at work, attempting to tidy my room (the latter never works, i always get tired and slump on my bed and think). and thinking is what happens when the spikes of memories break into my protective daydream, and i become aware of the things i'm boxing away in my mind - like text messages, missing (both absent and longing for) friends, and the rapidly disappearing summer holiday.

*

whilst i think it is dangerous to want to be a "sort" of person, as it can only be disappointing, i do wish i could better fill the role of an independent woman. most of my choices seem dependent on others, or influenced by the presence of others ... or maybe that's not true, maybe it's coincidental that they're always there. anyway this is all more secret. when i stop wondering when i will become "an independent woman" or "a uni student" or "a good friend" then i don't feel like a poor imitation of a personality type. instead, i can be fully me and a little bit of all the good and bad things. when i stopped having to be "a good girlfriend", i made mistakes. but i also stopped feeling so bad about myself, stopped wearing the clothes he liked and listening to the rubbish music he liked. i became more like myself even though i was becoming lots of different people all at once. i forget this sometimes.

*

i don't think the mistakes i've made recently have been mistakes - if i can't tell my friend in the same position that it's been a mistake, then it can't be. i can't be a hypocrite. we just get things wrong when we try to get what we hope will be right. and i think i've felt better when i've let myself think about that bit by bit.

anyway as i'm not trying to run away next week anymore, i have lots of time come 11am friday to hang out with everyone i've not seen for ages. i hope you have some time for me too

not showing off or anything, it'll just be good to remember that right now things are going well, and i've not laughed so hard in ages. i used to laugh like that at school - until i cried - and i feel like i'm so lucky to be able to spend time with people on my wavelength

i don't want to jinx anything, but right now i'm happy and i just want to write that down

Current Mood:

happy

i like tidying the streets of leeds by saving great things from being thrown into landfills, like plates and bookshelves. also very likeable is the free shop in stylus, where i got some books and clothes. it was amazing. a huge huge room full of lots of things, all quite neatly laid out - you should check it out!

i like the thought of the sunshine when it is low in the sky and your favourite music is playing and you can only turn around to see an elbow or a foot. i like the thought of the sunshine when it is hazy and shines through the grass.

p.s. i have my laptop back now, and my mum gave me a watch she didn't wear. technology is returning to me at a very speedy rate. typing "i like" a lot has made me feel more optimistic.

Current Mood:	optimistic
Current Music:	dirty three

i know it's a little "common people" to say this, but i like going in my work clothes, half-asleep, to a friendly cafe and chatting to the people that work there, reading tabloid newspapers and eating breakfast for lunch ... sobering up to the thought that i have to walk home in the drizzle

i walked in something remarkably heavier than a drizzle yesterday to see hub play at trash... i've caught a cold. this weekend is too big to be poorly though! but it was worth it because i think it was one of their best performances... i still think i prefer the first time i saw them at royal park cellars, although i might be biased there.

playing with them at workhouse next weekend is both a complete amalgamation of all my previous anxieties and potentially the best representation on how far i've come in a year. in fact, i can say now that just the idea of next weekend is a bigger personal success than i could have dreamt in june 2007. i look back and see someone with no goals except to heal and break free - no job, no passion for english anymore, no boyfriend (arguably the only positive outcome from that whole time), an enjoyment of playing violin but an absolute fear of performing, few friends, a stunted vocabulary from resorting to crying too many times... and yet next weekend, i'll be meeting new people, performing in front of people i don't know, and staying with people i became friends with by myself, outside of my previous social circle.

i really need to remember these things so i can think positively about this past year. i think everyone thinks i'm neurotic and overly sensitive and people say "oh how very grief of you"  about my general behaviour. but this is absolutely nothing. i know what it's like to feel the way people think i feel. most of the time, my mind is a wonderful retreat now - all calmed and contented by friendly conversation and a vegetarian breakfast. and i'm so pleased to receive hugs now, because i never used to be able to hug anyone. i think this year is the first time i've ever been able to do that and feel comfortable.

so... i guess i've started to be honest with you, diary (and visitors), again. not that i'm writing for anyone but myself really, but i should probably explain that i'm ok with knowing that these words are going out there. i feel i just need to spill everything out.

i've heard on the grapevine that i should probably feel a bit worse right now than i do. i don't know if i'm ok or if it's lurking somewhere inside of me. i've been single for a year now, and i'd say i needed at least 9 months of that to heal and meet myself and the world on my own terms. i learnt a lot, and am still learning. i discovered that a person being nice doesn't entirely qualify them as potential boyfriend material... that if you don't know someone at all, it's probably best not to imagine you've fallen for them... and that if someone is nice, and you do know them... well, you're in trouble.

and everything felt a hundred, a thousand, an uncountable amount worse when i was talking to ramzy and louise yesterday, because i was listening to philip glass' violin concerto - the second movement - for the first time. and i was just completely drained by how amazing this piece was, but how utterly soul destroying. with that as the background to our conversation, things felt almost amusingly melodramatic.

that's how it is most of the time really... that music can tip me over the edge - sometimes in a positive way, too - and convince me that my feelings deserve to be intense and dramatic, when really things are fine and things are good.

oh... just like the paper diary. i end by telling me and you that things are fine and i, of course, will be ok.

****

i typed a big long entry and lost it, somehow
technology hates me!
i'm not a technophobe though: computers, i ask you this, we've been friends for 18 years, where is the love?

so... this is probably the diluted, not-so-emotional version of my original post
i spilt the beans on how i have all these big sudden images of mistakes i've made
like not running away from that boy and running away from all the others
and a whole load of the mean things that have been said to me
and the mean things i'm sure i did in retaliation or as pre-emptive strikes
god i'm always so sorry and guilty feeling
and on a related note, i explained how i'm thinking these things
whilst everyone thinks i'm quite boring or vacant, i think

oh i was about to add that i'm feeling really quite self-indulgent recently
and self-pitying and then self-loathing (they go hand-in-hand)
but i have these absolute, sinking to the floor during sigur ros moments
and then complete nervous happiness at the thought of seeing my friends
as though every time is like seeing your favourite band or a film you've longed to see at the cinema
i'm sat in your houses but really i'm front row of something i've always looked forward to

so i am feeling quite bad but then really great, and i'm really trying to forget how to make myself feel bad
because it's not necessary and i need to set a good example
i sometimes feel a bit bad when people say, "oh you look like you're never down", as though i'm not deep enough
but i am, i'm just coping and healing and it's all fine really

oh and you know, i can't tell you online precise feelings or events anymore but i think i tell you in real life anyway
and if not - as always, i'm sure you already guessed!

you know what, i'm desperate for orange juice and salad
if i open the orange squash now, will you tell on me? hope not!

so why are half of these posts public when they blatantly shouldn't be?

actually i think you all read my mind anyway
i don't mean that in a paranoid sort of way
but apparently anything i ever think or feel is all too obvious!

so guys, life without the internet/laptop is still good
i've read two books, listened to lots and lots of music
thought and meditated upon various interesting matters (haha sort of??)

things i'm happy about right now:
music, friends, going for a coffee and a chat, the exciting future of the music library

things that i'm not so happy about:
my violin is at moorland and i finish work too late this week to pick it up any time soon

ok so i think i'm a little too embarrassed to really say anything of any worth in here
i wrote it down on paper instead
i don't know - do we use diaries to record what happens to us or to get our feelings out of our heads?

i think i use mine for both

i'm at work a few nights this week - hopefully see everyone sooooon, keep me updated with plans and stuff!

xx
p.s. can't tell if i'm more bothered by the fact this entry is worthless to the ones that are detailed enough to be private!

Current Mood:

confused

i suppose, i'm changing my reaction to things

i've had to wake up early to be ready for work (so livejournal, i must leave you very shortly!)
and i was all relaxed and happy in the sun, listening to sigur ros (i know they're a bit more of a cold weather sort of band, but it worked, trust me)

and i borrowed ramzy's laptop, checked facebook, and it all just made me feel a little more stressed
but i couldn't see any point to feeling a bit weird
because

the other day i was walking home at midnight, broken social scene as my chaperone
and i felt lonely. and i know i was alone, but i felt that sort of loneliness which feels like it can't be solved with other people or anything
and i thought of how some of my younger friends felt the same way (and older, i'm sure everyone feels this way sometimes)
and i just stopped feeling sorry for myself and realised that if my friends look to me and see me reacting
negatively to everything then it's going to set a precedent for everyone
as though the things i think i'm looking for become these things that are vital
when they're not at all

when i joined the music library, i asked the president to fix my life
and all through the year, i wondered when it was going to be fixed
so many relationships were formed from the music library
and i waited and wondered
until i realised that everything was fine
everything had been fixed
the library knew what was most important and fixed it

i just needed lots of friends around me

i only need lots of friends around me

i might even spend the summer without it, and see how i do
just so i can enter the real world for a bit... for the first time since i was about three, actually

i've turned 20, and it wasn't scary - it was just one huge relief
no burden of being a teenager - that was a decade away, not two days ago!
and i can look forward to shaping this decade as much as possible
into being one where i'm happy and make other happy!

and... it seems like i might be "the one who's doing a dissertation on joanna newsom"...
i went for a meeting with a tutor about it today, and she said it all poses no problems, as long as i explain a bit more about who she is, since i made the panel feel a bit old when they didn't know

oops

ahh music elitism and english literature, all combined into one yummy package, yessss

and... playing in a gig tonight with the amber sleep and hub
nervous and excited!

and... exam tomorrow morning and thursday afternoon
nervous and excited! (to finish them, bring on summer!)

i'm saving myself the excitement of making summer plan checklists until friday
i've already got gigs and festivals with my friends planned
but there's so much more i want to achieve over my 17 weeks (!) off

and i think, minus the laptop and with the optimism that i hope comes with being 20
i could finally do "all the things i'd always said i'd do!"

6am looks really beautiful
i have gone slightly insane
i have giggled at bread
and returned to my computer, and completely forgotten what my essay is meant to be about

i have my hood up, eating jelly tots
i just stared out a man, watched him wander around the cluster

then

he disappeared

i asked louise where he went

and he was sat behind us!

ALL ALONG!

i think my first dance... if i were to ever have a wedding... would have to be to sigur ros

what do you do when it doesn't go away?
the feeling doesn't fade and it doesn't seem to matter that it's not

because everything feels really calm

or when it's one minute past midnight and you're in a computer cluster
and everything feels a bit like summer already
the air is warm enough to comfortably gossip in
and you accidentally drink a glass of wine instead of water before you came out
even though you still have 2000 words left to write

but for some reason, it's only fifteen words that have mattered

i just don't know what to do and i don't want to
i know what i'm supposed to do and i don't want to admit it